Eating a lunch, packed by someone else

Salmon wellington.

I had that for lunch the other day (yes, before I started the clean eating post-Christmas slim down). Why did I have salmon wellington for lunch you ask (or maybe you’re asking what salmon wellington is – puff pastry and delicious fish, good it, it’s worth it). I had it for lunch, because it was leftovers from dinner and that lovely guy I’m seeing decided to pack it for me.

A lunch. Packed. For me.

Sometimes I feel like this is all a dream and then I am going to wake up alone on my sofa eating carrot sticks.

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Commitment phobic, aka that time I freaked out over a drawer

I find myself in a strange place.

Okay, I find myself in a lot of strange places, but I meant this one in an emotional sense. I really like this guy I’ve been seeing, but it’s just so easy. Usually there is at least one major drama going (okay I know there is GOING to be when I get around to tell my friend), but right now it’s just easy. I spend most nights at his house, and we eat a majority of meals together.

We have similar tastes in workouts, appreciate good food, have intelligent conversation and laugh together, a lot.

I think this strange place is called happiness.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when he asked to clear some space out in drawer for me. It made sense, I am perpetually lugging work-out clothes, pajamas etc. back and forth. BUT, for me it was a bit of a show stopper. I felt that familiar panicky feeling bubbling up in my chest, I started gasping for breath. The idea that someone wanted me around that often is both wonderful and completely alarming.

It makes total sense, but I am not at all okay with it.

A friend of mine was laughing when I told her because she can’t believe how commitment-phobic I am. She says I have to move in baby steps, so I will.

We’ve come to a compromise. He bought me a tooth brush.

Next step? A toothbrush at my house, but lets not rush things here.

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Fancy dates and other debilitating fears

So it turns down that most people’s fears don’t slow me down. I can remove the spider, climb the ladder, speak in front of large groups of people, travel to exotic places alone, meet new people, but ask me out on a fancy date … the fear is almost paralyzing.

Of course the men I date and am friends with haven’t really done this in the past, so how was I to know that 45 minutes before I was to be picked up, I’d be sitting cross-legged, in a mostly undressed state, hyperventilating.

Seriously, how does a girl respond to “I’ll pick you up at 7:15 and I’ve made reservations someplace fancy?”

Apparently panic.

It’s a lifestyle to which I would VERY much like to become accustomed. I want to be taken out and looked after, a bit of a departure from independent woman I’ve always been. But, now I understand why “those girls” always take so long to get ready. It’s intimidating. How does one look when someone they want to like them is taking them out to a fancy dinner?

I got it sorted out by 7:10 and the shaking had stopped by 7:13. At 7:15 when the buzzer rang, I was cool as a cucumber (and I wasn’t even self-medicated – although the first thing I did when we got to the restaurant was order a drink).

In the end, the night was great, the food was good, the company fun. All in all a raging success. Would I say my fear is all gone? No, but do I have a good start on preparing for next time (if there is a next time – fingers crossed)? I would say, yes!

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Boy meets girl: not as simple as it sounds

If you’ve been reading along, you’ll learn that I’ve started hanging out with a guy I really like. If you this is your first visit – I’ll let you know that while this is usually a good thing (you know girl meets boy, girl likes boy), in my world it’s inevitably more complicated.

And this time it’s far, far more complicated.

So in this case girl met boy, because boy was formerly the partner of girl’s friend. While the two weren’t happily married, this girl was not remotely interested in that boy. However, at the prompting of friend about two years after the divorce (because friend is worked about her ex-husband), girl starts to hang out with boy, very casually.

Time passes, the weather gets worse and the amount of time together increases.

Here’s where the problems start. Friend doesn’t know how much time girl spends with boy. Boy things friend will be happy, girl knows otherwise. And girl really likes boy (did I call this or what?)

Issue two, girl still has a very close relationship with another boy, who she doesn’t want to hurt.

Confused yet? Well you’re not alone.

As someone wise once told me … “A tangled web we weave, but in this case it’s not we, it’s just you and it’s REALLY tangled.”

Yes, I see that. Thank you.

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Christmas cheer: busting holiday blues

I live far away from my family, my friends are spread out across the globe, and my friends locally are often busy … you know with normal person stuff, like spouses and babies. Sometimes I feel lonely and I hate the feeling, so (being super smart and all) I tend to isolate myself further.

On Wednesday I was doing this again, so when that guy (also here), texted, I more or less said I wanted to be left alone and quiet.

Two hours later, he texted again and promised I wouldn’t need to talk or be social, but he wanted to take me out to see Christmas lights.

It was perfect, it was genuine and sweet and exactly what I needed to feel better … a low threshold social activity, with someone who clearly cares about me.

The lights were amazing, I had the chance to make a snow angel and I was home and in bed by my self-imposed deadline.

I couldn’t have imagined a better way to feel better (and I promise the chocolate I was inhaling was NOT helping).

I’m starting to really like this guy (and I know you’ve all read this before), but I’m blown away by how well he treats me and how often he things of me (and it translates into thoughtful notes, and messages). It seems so simple, but as readers of my blog know, I never ever, ever pick anything simple so next post will explain how this awesome connection could be my undoing.

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No longer 16

I’ve been out a couple of times with this teacher.

We have some fantastic conversations that go on for hours – this would be a great thing, except the hours usually start at 7 or 8 at night. So in the last week I don’t think I’ve been in bed before midnight in five days.

This won’t be a huge problem except I’m usually up at 5 a.m.

While I could handle this lack of sleep in my late teens, and early 20s and even a couple of times in my later 20s, I’m starting to think early 30s is right out.

That is unless anyone has an instant way of getting rid of blood-shot eyes and a constant headache?

 

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L-O-V-E

L-is for the way you look at me…

My parents love my, my brother, grandparents and other assorted family members love me.

I have a couple of great friends who love me too.

And I love all of them.

I have heard “I love you,” from a man that I have loved in only one relationship … ever. And even then it felt the first time like it was a forced confession. The international incident never said he loved me, the few guys I walked away from since then also never said anything, the current on again/off again is same-same. The wired thing is I can/could tell by the way they acted, the way they looked at me, they did love me.

Is a woman supposed to say, “I love you,” first? After the first time, I swore I’d never say it first again, but is that why I don’t hear it?

That’s not the way it is in the movies.

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Here’s my deal: explaining my love of the single life

“What’s your deal?”

It was a question, but the look that accompanied it conveyed a cross between curiosity and judgment.

“I mean, are you married or what?”

The line of questioning was coming across the table at me from a girl who works at the same company. We were attending a high-end fundraiser for a community foundation.

I was a little taken back. We’d all been drinking, but I never realized that my always going to things solo had been seen in such a negative light. I always just figured I was me, and that’s how my being on my own was taken.

I mumbled out some response about not settling down in this city, how it was just another temporary stop on my journey through life, which is true. I didn’t mention the guy I’m kind of seeing, or that the guy I was kind of seeing, or …

I always figured that by attending these events, Christmas parties etc. on my own, I would be taken for who I am, and what I have to bring to the table. In such a male-dominated field, what I bring as me is VERY important. I feel like even if I was with “the love of my life,” I wouldn’t be out parading him about.

I like being single, I like meeting and hanging out with interesting people when I want without feeling guilty. I don’t see myself being the settling down and raising a family type.

Being “single” has always worked for me and I was surprised that another woman who would question it. Had she just stopped once I explained my deal, that would have been fine, but as she continued to explain why I should “find a guy,” others joined in.

Even the other single women at the table were talking about why I needed to date more often and “settle down.”  I wonder if it’s jealousy. What I do flies in the face of what is the norm. Were the single girls jealous that not only am I not ashamed of my single status, I flaunt it? Were the married/nearly married girls jealous over my freedom?

Fortunately another performance had begun and by the time it was over, the conversation had moved on. And aside from two people saying they had “the perfect man” for me to meet, nothing more was said – but those comments I’ve come to expect (and love). I mean it’s a compliment that everyone has a friend they would like me to hang out with, and that’s how I’ll take it.

So, I guess, that’s my deal.

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Making something good from the bad

My brother has resurfaced = good

His girlfriend has to leave the country before her visitor visa expires = bad

She flew out today.

I wish I could protect him from the hurt he is going to feel tomorrow morning when he wakes up, in their bed, alone.

However, he is prepared for this and is already making plans to have the experience help him grow. It’s a family trait, making the best out of adversity – the breakup that kicked off my being a runner is just one example.

My brother says yoga to help him find calmness in his life (and increased flexibility), music for sanity (and income) and every odd (or regular) job he can work to save the money so they can visit each other. In a lot of ways I’m excited for him, if he is able to stick to his plan and use the experience of being apart from someone you love, to help him grow, he will be an even more incredible person than he is now.

And the really good news for him is he plans to stay on the ocean for now. This is good because he (like me) is of the ocean and when everything else in life makes you feel terrible, the ocean brings back that feeling of life.

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What are we doing here: the non-relationship, relationship

I’m not an idiot, but sometimes I have to wonder how smart I am.

I have a great guy in my life, who I make veiled reference about from time, to time, to time – we aren’t anything and yet we clearly are…

Sometimes it’s so confusing that I want to corner him and be like we’ve been dating each other and other people for more than four years – WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE. But, then I realize I don’t really want anything to change. We both have some pretty deep-set commitment issues – his far rose than mine.

We had a conversation the other day about no hooking up with anyone else, but I don’t think I would be totally upset if he met the one he thought was the one – mind you I might be saying that because I don’t believe it’s going to happen. I also know that I like the freedom to leave.

In the meantime, he looks out for me and is great company – we can have hours of conversation or sit quietly and read together. Does that need to have a label – I would say no. The words boyfriend, partner, guy I know … don’t seem to fit.

So I’d better off just keep going with the flow.

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