I’m not playing anymore

Just a quick thought today.

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook. It is a sentiment that I can get behind.

It's true, I don't

 

When you realize your relationship has reached this point … it’s time to move on.

Read Full Post »

How (Not) to Give Dating Advice to your Ex’s Sister

Around the same time I was to break up with the boyfriend, but before I knew it was coming, I became friends with his sister.

Since the breakup, we’ve continued to be friends after getting over the worst of the awkward parts.

For example, in that first week when I got back from the United Sates and was newly single, I was to provide her with advice on what I saw between her and the guy she was seeing, who I met briefly.

That was a poor time for an email — I’d just broken up with her brother. I pretty much hated all men, but apparently felt I should give feedback.

I believe the email subject was, “still a valid opinion?” Yes, it was a disclaimer.

It started something like this… So not sure if I’m eligible to still be handing out dating advice, but here’s my two cents on your man…

And included phrases such as … in the short time I have known you I learned that you are bright and full of energy and you deserve someone who recognizes that.

The short version was he was a dick and she deserved a hell of a lot better, however, I probably worded the email a little more strongly that I might have if I was of sound mind and not broken hearted.

She took it in stride. They are not together and we’ve built our friendship since.

Here’s the weird part. Our emails have never really talked about her brother, my ex, until I Unfriended him on Facebook. A day later she feels the urge to update me about him.

I think I’ll ignore it and talk about the parts of the message that involve only her or me. If it keeps up she might have to go also, and that would be a loss.

It might seem strange that we could be friends, but this is the girl who sleeps in her ex-boyfriend’s childhood bed while visiting his family for a weekend … she’s a gem, too fun to pass up.

Read Full Post »

Steps to Mending a Broken Heart: In Theory

So my Mom sends me an email the other day — a 10-step way to speed up the grieving process for a broken heart.

Fan-freaking-tastic.

Here they are:

1. Put down the phone: No seriously. Put it down. Now. Calling your ex may seem like a good idea, but once you have a clear head you´ll regret this behaviour.
Too late — where was this piece of advice a week ago?

2. Find a breakup buddy: This is the person you should call instead of your ex.
See I am far more talented than whoever wrote these tens steps would guess —I managed to convince my so-called breakup buddy that calling my ex was a good idea.

3. Wallow: You´ll do it anyways and it´s a healthy way to get all the sadness over with so you´re free to move on.
Done and done. See the first few posts on this blog and, well let’s be honest, there will likely be more posts of this nature.

4. Organize your life: Remember all those Sundays spent lying around not doing all the things you needed to get done because you were with him?
I do remember those Sundays lying in bed with him. However, I also go all those things done at other times, the joy of being borderline obsessive compulsive. Everything else was organized the week after we broke up.

5. Hide the evidence: Hey, while you´re organizing, why not stash all those photos and gifts someplace you can´t see them? Don´t throw them out, just put them away. There´s no need to be in agony every time you look at a framed photo of the two of you in happier times.
This one I did – see the Unfriend and Is it really better?

6. Pamper yourself: Nothing will make you feel better like a confidence boost, so take yourself to the salon or spa, or give yourself an at-home makeover.
I have a dentist appointment next week, does that count?

7. Get out of the house: Now that you´re feeling pampered and pretty, take your hot self out of the house.
My “hot self” generally stays away from advice that refers to me that way. That aside, I’d really love to get out of the house more, but currently I am living in a small town, a point furthest from the centre of everything, with no really going out options. And it’s -40 C so I think my hot self will stay in, at least until spring.

One of the many collages I've made over the years

8. Make a dream collage: This is all about you. Grab a big Bristol board and start cutting out images and words from magazines that show all the things you want for yourself.
I’ve been making collages for ages. There is something therapeutic about cutting things up and gluing them into place — yay for comfort in child-like behaviours.

9. Make big changes: If this was a life-changing breakup for you, it feels impossible, even after a lot of time has passed, for you to get over it, it may be time to make a big change.
Yes, soon. Also I really have to get out of said small town and frozen weather, but because of the breakup thing too.

10. Go on dates: Don´t rush into this. Once you´re ready to date, you´ll know.
Don’t rush into this, hey? I guess my usual theory, of the best way to get over the last one is to get under the next one, need not apply. Actually this one I figured out early on. I’m taking a break from men while I sort myself out. Sure I can go on random dates, but I’m not looking for anything serious because I am planning to move on.

Most of this advice is fairly intuitive and it does ring true. Damn, I hate it when my Mom is right.

Guess I’d better call her.

Read Full Post »

Seeking Summer in -35 C

You know those days that are long and tiring and all you want to do is lie in the sun and warm up and feel lovely?

Well I had one of those days. Unfortunately for me, being able to laze in the sun is still months away.

It’s -35 C today and that’s before the wind chill. I believe that is termed a FAIL.

I was not going to be deterred — I still wanted a taste of summer, in order to preserve what precious little is left of my sanity.

So I made iced tea and not with a creepy powder mix that is only good for camping … and making you sneeze. (If you don’t know what I am talking about shake the powder container, then take off the lid and inhale — your nose doesn’t even have to be over top.)

Orange infused iced tea, notice fancy new-ish bottle

The nice part about making ice tea from scratch, along with it tasting better, is that boiling water adds humidity to the apartment. So for the briefest of minutes I can feel like I am in a tropical location instead of freezing to death in the middle of winter, with ridiculously and incurably dry skin. (But, it’s a

dry cold.)

So with almost a litre and a half of boiling water, three bags of delicious-smelling, fair-trade, black tea, enough honey to sweeten it and a small container of mandarin orange segments for added flavour, I created a bit of summer.

It lasted until I looked back outside.

Now I’m trying to figure out the perfect alcohol to put in it, might as well get warm somehow.

Read Full Post »

Bringing Back the Art of Food

Somewhere along the way, we have lost the art of food.

Whether it’s because we are too busy to cook or women don’t spend their time sharing recipes like they once did, the community of food is disappearing.

I think that it’s disappointing.

But today, by accident, a friend and I began to bring back the food share.

Independently we had spent the day cooking.

I had ventured into the kitchen to clear my head, after making the decision to let go, because I find I the kitchen one of the best places to think. Things seem to get better, while dropping cookies on to a baking sheet or kneading bread, as the house fills with the good smells of onions cooking with celery.

My friend clearly feels the same way. At 5 p.m. she asks me if I want some soup because she forgot to stop cooking after making a pot of chilli. The huge pot of soup she just made was going to cause too many leftovers.

I was looking at the growing stack of cookies while checking my text messages and kissing my plan to lose weight goodbye.

An idea dawned on me.

I filled a Ziploc with cookies and swung by her house to pick up a Tupperware container of soup. She’ll have snacks for the week and I will have a couple of dinners planed.

I’ll get more variation then what I get cooking for myself. It’s a brilliant plan and something we should have started ages ago.

Here’s to hoping this is the beginning of a delicious trend to bring slow food back.

The starting point of a fantastic food trend

Peanut Butter & Ginger Snap Cookies

3/4 cup flour
1/3 cup whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ginger
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon all spice

1/3 cup creamy peanut butter
3 tablespoons margarine
1 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup egg whites (or egg substitute) or one egg
1 tablespoon molasses
1 teaspoon vanilla

Mix peanut butter and margarine in a bowl and add brown sugar. Combine until smooth. Add the egg, molasses and vanilla.

Combine dry ingredients in a separate bowl. Add to the liquid ingredients. Mix with wooden spoon to form a stiff dough.

Roll into balls, roll balls in a 1/4 cup sugar, 1 teaspoon cinnamon mixture and place on a baking sheet covered with parchment paper. Flatten with fork.

Bake at 350 F for seven minutes.

Adapted from Eat, Shrink and Be Merry

Read Full Post »

The Unfriend

Alcohol free and of clear mind, I clicked unfriend on Facebook.

The world didn’t stop. There were no tears and was no anger.

If it is over and for the first time I truly see that it is, there is no point in pretending.

Going through my box of keepsakes and refiling all of it. If it’s useable, I’ll use it. If it’s emails I’ll file them with my other papers. There is no sense having a box with this reminder of a moment of time that will never come back.

I’m heading to the kitchen to work out any emotional anguish that might creep up. Photos of that adventure are pending.

Read Full Post »

Relationships and Comedic Timing

I’m sure you’ve all heard this one.

A comedian comes out on stage and says, “Ask me, ‘what’s the most important thing about comedy.’”

The audience plays along.

“What’s the most important th- …”

“Timing!!!” the comedian yells out, cutting off the audience.

Everyone laughs because it’s true, timing is the most important part of comedy. Deliver a punch line poorly, the joke is lost and you are looking for a new career.

However, comedy isn’t the only place where timing is the most important. Timing plays a significant role in relationships.

If you are ready to settle down and he still wants to party, it’s likely not going to work no matter the cosmic connection.

Or in my case, it doesn’t matter that we interacted so well, that I loved him entirely, that we had fun together or that the sex was fantastic.

In the end he wants someone to settle down with, have a traditional family with and live happily ever after with. It’s not that I don’t want that, I just want it differently and I believe my version is too complicated for him.

Maybe we would (or who knows will) get to the same vision eventually, but for now, the timing is all off.

So in the end, relationships have a lot in common with comedy ­— without good timing, they are both just bad jokes.

Read Full Post »

Let the Moving On Begin

So as it turns, out my gut instinct was correct.

If he’s not calling you, he’s just not that into you.

After 46 days of not talking, my ex-boyfriend and I spoke for about four minutes until there was another call. It was about something he was doing with his family that night. He said he would talk to me again soon.

That was nearly 24 hours ago.

My guess, and I could be wrong, but my guess is that if he really loved me or really cared, he’d call.

So my hope that somehow this time my life would be like the movies, that we’d talk, he’d miss me as much as I miss him and we’d make it work, is mostly crushed.

The good news is I’m not nearly as sad as I thought. I believe this is what they call closure.

A quick peek to the bottom of the bottle and let the healing begin

Read Full Post »

The Manic Pixie Dream Girl makes a Call

Today I picked up the phone and called him.

I dialed. Listened to it ring. Left a message. Hung up.

I’m not nearly as stressed as I thought I would be, but it was only a few minutes ago.

So what had me leaving messages on my ex-boyfriend’s phone? Likely my own insanity —remember the crazy train — but I have another theory (or three).

Women. Hope. But most importantly, romantic comedies.

Women because nearly every one that I speak with manages to convince me that, “he still loves you,” “you were meant to be,” “he let you go because he loves you,” or, and this is my personal favourite, “he’s scared of what you mean to him.”

Historically I’ve mostly prescribed to the, “if he’s not calling you, then he’s just not that into you,” thing. Or in this case, if he was scared of me before, then he likely still is now.

Hope because, well, even if he’s not calling, I hope what those women tell me is true.

And romantic comedies, because they disguise fiction as almost plausible reality.

Women shouldn’t be allowed to watch romantic comedies — Hollywood’s version of love is so easy.

They, whoever they are, say that life imitates art, but I beg to differ. When was the last time any woman’s life had the same happy ending as one of those movies? Those characters are always so damn happy, I mean, just once, I want to see a romantic comedy where they all die at the end.

Sure there are overlaps and, alarmingly lately, I am feeling them. In extreme cases people point them out to me too.

“Hey, I saw the movie Morning Glory the other day, you are just like her,” said one of my employees to me, about the neurotic main character.

Fantastic, that was just the comparison I was looking for, a crazy workaholic, with virtually zero social life.

Then No Strings Attached came out and there is the main character who makes such a point of saying she doesn’t want marriage or long-term commitment, then she when she does, it’s too late.

Well, too late, kind of. It is Hollywood and there is a happy ending. But, most of my friends who saw that, said she reminded them of me.

What does this tell me? On screen everyone loves the manic-pixie-dream girl, but let me vouch for reality when I say, we’re not as well received in real life.

Anyway, what does this have to do with my phone call?

In both of those movies, which I have now seen, there was a phone call and everything was fine. Somehow I’ve managed to convince myself everything will be fine, that he actually loves me, can’t imagine being away from me, and it will all be happily ever after.

And if not, at least I’ll be able to get back to moving on knowing I did everything I could.

But for now, I wait for the return call. If he doesn’t call back, that does make one thing clear

I’ll let you know how it goes.

My phone, not ringing

Read Full Post »

Heart-Shaped Pizza, Not the making of True Love

Suddenly I realize why single women hate Valentine’s Day.

I managed to survive the endless loops of on-air interviews of cute couples totally in love, only to find out that the pizzas at the local restaurant only came in heart shape. Fortunately I learned that the proceeds went to a good cause, so a complete freak-out was avoided.

Historically, whether I was single or not, Valentine’s Day didn’t mean much to me. That’s because I apparently was never really in love or knew what love was. Until now.

Unfortunately I have only come to understand what love is, now that I have lost it.

I used to think love was being comfortable with someone or the butterflies in your stomach when you kiss.

It is that but, it is so much more.

Love is that feeling of coming home, of safety and security with one person.

Love creates a vacuum where you and that other person can exist against all odds, where things make sense in a world that rarely does. The vacuum can be created by a stolen kiss or a shared, knowing glance.

Love is someone cleaning out your car, but not telling you because they want to see the expression on your face when you see it.

Love is that feeling of joy when someone turns to you and says, “you become more interesting, every time I see you.”

Love creates a flutter in your chest so strong that you are dizzy. I actually went to the doctor’s once to have it checked out – that was kind of embarrassing when I realized what it was.

Love is that feeling that puts a smile on your face because you’ve made another person laugh.

All of those things are love, but having stuffed bears, $12 boxes of chocolates or pink hearts, around us doesn’t help us to forget what we have lost (or are looking for).

The good news is, those Valentine’s Day things aren’t required to have love.

And for those single girls and those who are broken hearted, be content in the love of friends and family, until that other love comes (back) your way.

And if all else fails, avoid the heart-shaped pizza and have a second helping of dessert.

Read Full Post »