This morning I woke up and was feeling exhausted.
The earthquake and tsunami in Japan, the fighting in Libya, the snow where I live, it’s all catching up with me. That’s the downside to a career in the media — you can’t escape the bad news.
I’m also back to being alone.
Whatever stress release my vacation allowed, whatever it let me forget about work, however it made me forget the lonely feeling, it’s all coming back.
It’s like when you stand at the edge of the ocean on a sandy beach and water rolls in and up to your ankles — you sink a little. Then the water rushes back past your feet as it is flows out to sea again. You can feel the water suck at your toes as you sink deeper into the sand and everything rushes away from you.
At the ocean it is a lovely feeling.
When it’s your life, it’s considerably less so.
But I hang on because I know as soon as the water has gone out, it comes rushing back.
My life is like that too. Just when I’m so bored or hurt or stressed or lonely that I’m worried about my ability to cope, all the good comes rushing back again.
I’ve always been like that, peaks of happiness and excitement followed by valleys of frustration and sadness. It’s never affected my ability to go forward with life, I go to work, out, to classes and meetings, but it can be a roller coaster and it can be exhausting.
Sometimes I think I should work to balance myself out, shave off those peaks to help fill the valleys.
It was my ex —well now he’s my ex, at the time he was my boyfriend — who suggested otherwise. He said I shouldn’t try to ease off or straighten out that path because, “it is the single most human thing I’ve experienced in a long time.”
It was good to hear that who I am doesn’t make me crazy in someone else’s eyes, because I kind of like me.
Thinking about those peaks and valleys helps me rationalize how upset I’ve gotten lately. With him I was the happiest I’ve ever been and until I learn to find that happiness on my own, then without him I’m going to be among the saddest.
But as time passes and I think about the things he said to me, I can take the value out of them and not just sadness or anger. Despite the damage that I feel has been done, I know he taught me a lot about myself and who I want to be. I want to be real and raw. I want to feel, experience and react to every little life throws at me, whether good or bad.
I may still be a ways away from better, but I am getting there and I always know the tide is on its way back in again.
Rules for living 
